Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Pretending to work hard is not hard work.

Work is the devils work. I wake up, moaning like a demented spoiled brat, at the fact that I have to go to work. Several questions go through the Y head such as what did I ever do to deserve this job? quickly followed by maybe it’s Saturday or Sunday and there is no work today? Later on I calm down slightly when reason pays a visit and says,“There’s so many people out there who are not working. Can you not just stop complaining and be content that you have a job?” This has the desired effect and is one of the few things that can shut me up for a moment. I get to work and get down to the real work:

How can I make it look like I’m working when I’m not?

  • Sometimes the classics are unbeatable. Staring at your screen with a puzzled look can work wonders. Facial expressions are what it’s all about. Throw in a few sighs and your boss thinks you’re deep in concentration and stressed. This coupled with the fact that your boss doesn’t even understand what you do in the first place, buys you breathing space to relax. The more experienced dosser will have learned the art of sleeping with their eyes open and after some practice can easily get an hours sleep in.
  • Walking around the office with a print out. This creates the illusion that you are visiting colleagues and asking for their help on a project. I mean, if you’ve bothered to print something out in a predominantly paperless environment, surely it’s an important document! The boss will never know that the printout is in fact a picture of Anna and Stina from Sweden who are coming over for the weekend and you just can’t wait to show the lads.
  • When writing a personal email, make sure you type it in Word. Throw in the company logo at the top of the page and it looks like an official work document.
  • When visiting your mate or the new Swedish girl from Accounts, always walk fast or even run. This gives the impression that you have lots to do when really you’ll have less work to do when you get to the gym later.
  • Fill your desk with lots of folders and clutter. Your boss doesn’t know that it’s last years work so take advantage of this. If you know your boss will be asking you for a document later, bury it underneath a pile of other documents and rummage for it when asked for it. This gives the impression that you’re massively busy.
  • Visit a second hand book shop and buy a dozen work related books. When your boss sees these books thrown around your desk, you’ll get approving looks. Thick hardback computer books are best suited.
  • Last but not least, Don’t send your boss this list! Bill Y


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