Thursday, December 31, 2009
“Our niceness has prevented us form tapping into and realising our full Mocking potential.”
Eh, thanks for that Jill Y. Thanks for repeating, word for word, what I just said. You’re a legend! Anyway, the niceness is going to fade away and in it’s place, a newer, Super Mocker will arise. This Super Mocker will take things to a new level. At present, we offend very few people and that’s a conscious decision we made from the offset. The Super Mocker will only be happy when massive offence is taken. It should be interesting to see what happens. We’re about to start the New Year celebrations. Before we do, here’s a picture of the letter M
From all at IGTM HQ, we wish you a happy New Years Eve. Thanks to all who dropped by to play with us and leave comments and we’ll be back tomorrow for more.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I’ve said it before but you probably weren’t listening so I’ll repeat my good self and tell you that those For Dummies books are God’s gift to us folk who need them. I began reading them at quite an early age. I think I read my first one when the umbilical cord was cut:
That book taught me so much. To be honest, I’d go as far as saying I probably wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for it. I enjoyed and learned so much but some of it was quite hard to understand so I read another one which helped me understand how to understand it:
In school, I wasn’t very good at learning. If only someone had written a Learning For Dummies, maybe things would of been different. I always liked football when I was at school but I wouldn’t say I was a technically gifted athlete until I managed to get my hands on:
Unfortunately there are some things that books just can’t teach you. I remember reading two books in succession. One would take a lifetime to study, the other is The Bible:
I haven’t quite figured how how I’m going to become rich but again the books may just come to the rescue. This evening I visited the library and took out a very interesting title. I know some people with a lot of money and may have found a way for them to give it to me:
Thinking ahead, if the extortion doesn’t work out and the law thinks it’s best for me to live in a house with fellow criminals, I’ll have all the knowledge I need:
They also make unbelievable presents. Nothing says “I love you” like:
If you’re lucky and she has a sense of humour, you could always try something like this:
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
We wonder if Mockist could be added: "There's water in the glass so throw it over yourself and pretend it's sweat from the gym". Bill Y
Monday, December 28, 2009
Here at It’s good to mock, we like to kick back and take things at our own leisurely pace. There’s a little known saying (little known because we only made it up a moment ago) that says “The truly relaxed in life will be bothered by very little and if they are bothered, they’ll be sufficiently chilled out to have enough time to grab a spade and dig themselves out of a hole”. Sure, it’s not as catchy as some of those well known sayings like “The Greek shall inherit the earth” or “Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons” but if there’s something wrong with taking it easy, send us an email outlining the negatives and we’ll get back to you before the Millennium ends. If you find yourself getting bothered or upset over something, try mocking the bejaysus out of yourself or someone else. It may well bring a smile to your face, stabilise the world economy and teach you how to play chess. If it doesn’t work, send us an email and we’ll get back to you before the Millennium ends. Bill Y
Sunday, December 27, 2009
There was just something different about this game. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but it was as if it was somehow easier to play than Connect Four. Not to worry, I’m sure I’ll get hours of fun out of it. Bill Y
Saturday, December 26, 2009
At It’s good to mock, we’ve been described as many things. If you were to call us a jealous bunch of mockers who want each others Xmas pressies, you’d be spot on. Jill Y got a Magic Eraser which looked really cool. As soon as I seen it, I wanted it so I offered to swap it for a diebastarddie t-shirt. Jill Y knew the value of the t-shirt (I make them myself and there are only a select few in circulation) so she agreed and the swap was made. She was delighted but couldn’t understand why I wanted the Magic Eraser so much. I explained to her that I was going to see how ’magic’ the eraser was by trying to erase all traces of Bon Jovi and delight fans of real music, worldwide. Only time will tell if I’m successful. In the meantime, if you have any ideas on ridding the world of Bon Jovi, please let us know asap at firstname.lastname@example.org You’ll be helping to make the world a better place for generations to come and will always have a place in our hearts. Thank you so much. Bill Y
Friday, December 25, 2009
On their journey, they bumped into a cowardly Lion who said “I’m too scared to be a Lion”. The Fellowship invited the Lion to join them on their quest because as everybody knows, Bono can cure cowardice as well as help whiten your teeth and cure ham. They continued on their journey and met a Scarecrow who found it hard to communicate as he had no brain. The Scarecrow was invited along to find Bono because as everybody knows, Bono is the founder of the Scarecrows Without Brains Foundation. They continued on their journey and it wasn’t long until they met up with a Tin Man who didn’t have a heart. The Tin Man was invited along because as everybody who plays cards knows, Bono is the King of Hearts.
They continued on their travels and eventually found Bono but as it turned out, he was chatting with his best friend Mel Gibson and as everybody knows, Mel Gibson is a couple of months short of a calendar. They immediately hid in the trees until Gibson was gone and surprised Bono with something he could not say no to – liquorice and as everybody knows Bono will do anything for liquorice. It was at that moment that Bono agreed to give the Lion some courage, the Scarecrow a brain and the Tin Man a heart. Over a few beers later on, he also agreed to save the world. Unfortunately after saving the world, he just wouldn’t go away. So the question we are left with is: Was saving the world worth it, if we’re stuck with Bono? Some might say Yes, but the majority would say No.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
‘Rage Against The Machine has beaten 'X Factor' winner Joe McElderry to the UK Christmas Number One spot with its 1993 song 'Killing In The Name’.
Take a look at what happiness is all about:
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Do you ever wonder if you’re been treated as a doormat? Well, if you constantly hang around doors and look up to find people walking on you, chances are that you are.
Have you ever wondered if your partner is the right person for you? If your partner introduces you to someone who tells you that they are engaged to your partner, then it’s probably time to go find someone else.
Do you ever think you drink too much beer? If you wake up in a pub wearing an ‘I heart beer’ t-shirt, covered in ‘I heart beer’ tattoos and realise that you’ve changed your name to a beer related product, you do indeed drink too much beer.
If you’ve answered ‘Yes’ to one or more of the above questions, you have issues but worry not as there is a solution to your problems, your brothers problems and your brothers neighbours uncles problems. The answer my friend is: Google. Google knows everything. One of the bestest things about Google is that it isn’t afraid to hurt your feelings. For example, If you type ‘it's good to mock: You're not the boss of me now’. It will tell you some good stuff about a damn good blog. Bill Y
Friday, December 18, 2009
I know nothing about nuclear physics and only a little more about Rugby. I know the French rugby club Stade Francais are a French rugby club. I know Rugby is a physical contact sport. I know Rugby involves harassing the opposition at every opportunity and every advantage counts. I don’t understand why the Stade Francais rugby jersey is pink (the girliest of colours). The colour pink hardly puts the fear of god into or scares the bejaysus out of anyone. Maybe the idea is to massively confuse the opposition into a relaxed pink state of mind and then deliver a sucker punch. I know years ago, pink was considered masculine and blue was considered feminine but how am I supposed to know what colour dress to buy for my 12 nieces – Peter, Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas. Matthew, James, Thaddaeus, Simon and Judas! Bill Y
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Hello Boss, it’s Bill Y. I know I’ve used up all my sick days and that’s why I’m calling in dead. I’ve been working so hard that I’ve decided to leave this world. I won’t be able to provide a doctors note as they don’t do them down here. I can provide an autopsy report which shows that it was work that caused me to travel to this place of suffering and turmoil. There are some familiar faces here including an Austrian dude who was the leader of the National Socialist German Workers Party and the guy who didn’t sign The Beatles. There’s picture frames on the wall of people who’ll be joining me soon and I’m told there’s a nice warm place for you so I reckon I’ll be seeing you soon enough. Until then, please don’t miss me too much. Bill Y
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
5+1 is 6
Clichés + It’s good to mock do not get on.
Smalltalk + IGTM do not get on.
I’m not sure why but lately we’re becoming grumpy little mockers. Things that never bothered us before are are starting to bother the bejaysus out of us. It could be listening to people who use clichés. It could be listening to people use small talk. It could be merely listening to people or maybe it’s Christmas.
It was about 51 weeks ago since Grandma got run over by a reindeer and I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus. At the same time, Santa looked a lot like Daddy and Daddy looked a lot like him. I think it all goes back to my childhood, when I woke up one late Christmas Eve to see someone who looked a lot like Daddy kissing Santa Claus after running over Daddy’s Mother on a reindeer. At the same time, out of the corner of my eye, I witnessed 8 Budweiser Clydesdale Horses being run over by a train of brightly lit Coca~Cola trucks to the sound of “Holidays are coming, holidays are coming”. It was precisely at this moment, I noticed my now traumatised Niece looking out her window at all this chaos saying “Santy” in a whimpering muffled voice. Maybe I could be blowing this out of all proportion but then again, I’m not one to over exaggerate! Bill Y
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sometimes it’s hard to maintain standards. Each day I go to work and I strive to be as useless as possible. Experience has taught me that this is the way to be. The last time I took the initiative (I think it was 1998) my boss told me I had to continue to be that productive every day and this wasn’t possible because it was just a one off massive fluke. It took me ages to convince her that I was a really bad employee and not to expect anything except mediocrity from me. It’s the same with buying presents for people. If you buy someone a very expensive present, they’ll expect a very expensive present, next time. For this reason, my presents consist of a printed t-shirt with the words ‘diebastarddie’ on it. I’ve just fixed my t-shirt printing machine so if you’re on my Xmas list, you should be receiving yours shortly. You may thank me in advance. Bill Y
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
At It’s good to mock, we’re somehow under the illusion that we’re sometimes funny. To showcase this, we thought we’d write some jokes and ask for your opinion. Unfortunately, the writing has proved more difficult than expected. After knocking our noggins together for a day, we came up with the following which may not make you jump around in hysterics:
Q. How many Drummers does it take to paint a Mars Bar?
A. It depends on the size of the Mars Bar!
We weren’t happy with this at all so we locked ourselves in a room and surfaced six hours later with:
Q. How many bones does a grown up have?
A. The largest grown up crocodile has 250 bones!
As you can imagine, we weren’t over the moon with this one either so we slept on it and spent the following day coming up with:
Q. What do you call a man with a roof on his head?
If this experience has taught us anything, it’s that we’re not funny at all. I suppose we have should be happy that we didn’t call the blog It’s good to joke! Bill Y
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Every now and again at It’s good to mock, we decide to give something back to society. We do this by creating new sayings which eventually become part of everyday language. Are we looking for credit for this? No, not at all. We’re just happy to do our bit for the greater good. Previous sayings have included “Well your sister had no problem doing it” and “If I’m gone in the morning when you wake up, I had to put the cat out. Please close the door when you leave”. If it’s a case that you’ve never found yourself quoting either of these, don’t worry as the time will surely come when you will. And so, we turn our attention to our latest creation which will soon be appearing in places that begin with A and end with Z. We present our very latest offering “I know you say you’re a woman but that beard says different”. Unfortunately, If you find yourself in a position where you have to say these words, you’re going to have to make your own way out of it! Bill Y
Friday, December 11, 2009
It must be hard to know stuff. It must be hard to know stuff and have a burning desire to tell people that you know stuff. Don’t get me wrong, if it wasn’t for the for dummies series of books, I would know even less than I know now and that’s not very much at all. What bothers me is that anyone can claim to be an expert in a given field and decide to share their ‘wealth’ of knowledge with an unsuspecting public. A public who might just accept the views of a moronic muppet who received an iphone from his parents and decides to declare himself a technology expert. Still, I suppose you could always read understanding moronic muppets with an iphone for dummies. Bill Y
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I’ve started questioning everything . It’s been happening since yesterday and I don’t know why. For some reason, I have a smart alec answer for everything. In work, one of the grown ups came out with one of the classics - “There is no I in Team”. No sooner had she finished infecting my ears with such crap, than I barked back - “There is if you’re dyslexic”. I just couldn’t help myself. During the same conversation, she blurted out another cliché - “There’s no such thing as a free lunch”. This time I growled “I know someone who owns a pub who has given me many a free lunch”. Neither of these responses were anything close to being clever but I just had to have my say. The worst was yet to come. This morning as I was on my way to the office, a guy asked me if I wanted a free newspaper. He was just doing his job and certainly didn’t deserve - “Free? You call this free? Just because money doesn’t exchange hands, doesn’t mean I’m not going to pay for reading this. The articles in newspapers these days are filled with nothing but doom and gloom and it’s a fact that positive images and thoughts promote health and well being. The opposite is also true so I’d be paying with bad health and a shorter lifespan, if I read your so called free paper! So, stick it where the sun doesn’t shine and please tell me someone is going to plant a tree to replace those destroyed to produce this bad news” Again, I know the poor guy didn’t deserve it but I was heading to face the boss and another day of damned clichés. I'll apologise to him tomorrow.
Tree Hugger Bill Y
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
X amount of years ago when he was in little school, little Bill Y attempted to play a sport called Hurling.
NB: For those not from Ireland where it is mainly played or those who are not familiar with it, Hurling is an amazing sport played with a stick (hurley) and a leather ball (sliotar). The object of the game is to hit the sliotar with the hurley between the opponents goalposts, either over the crossbar (one point) or under the crossbar into a net guarded by a goalkeeper for one goal, which is equivalent to three points. Hurling is thought to be the world's fastest field team sport in terms of game play and is very similar to Lacrosse but the players aren't padded.
Bill Y picked up the hurley for the first time and was wondering if he was holding it right. All of a sudden he was the recipient of a smack in the head and fell to the ground. I won’t bore you with the hospital details, suffice to say there is a permanent mark on the Y head to remind of the fun of that day. The lesson learned was not that Hurling is a dangerous sport (well okay, it is a dangerous sport) but that 8 year old kids not wearing protective headgear when confronted with other 8 year old kids and a stick, is a dangerous sport!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
We start the post with “Arrrgh”
That purple dinosaur bothers the bejaysus out of me. I don’t know what it is but I just don’t relate to him. Then again, I’m not a child aged 1-5. I think the Irish Government think we’re all children aged 1-5. Why else would they spend €125,000 of our money on a report to count the number of frogs in the country and expect us to be okay with it? Just in case you think these words are playing mind games with you, I’ll repeat them again. The Irish Government have spent €125,000 on a report to count the number of frogs in Ireland! When I say frogs, I don’t mean people of the same nationality as the lying, cheating, dog aka Thierry Henry. I mean the amphibians with moist skin and long legs who live in wet habitats. We’re in the middle of the worst recession since the last one and taxpayers are footing the bill for counting frogs. I never thought anything could make me embarrassed to be Irish but our Government have come close and as a result, I’m filled with disgust.
We end the post with “Arrrgh”
Monday, December 7, 2009
I’m always right. It’s not easy being me but I’m kind of used to it at this stage. One of the main problems with always being right is that you’re never wrong and that’s not an easy thing to live with. As you can imagine, it sometimes irritates the less brilliant people out there who are rarely right. To make the less brilliant feel less bad about their shortcomings, I sometimes purposely mess things up. I do have to cover my ‘I am so unbelievably brilliant’ tattoo and this is easily done however sometimes it’s hard not to let your guard own when surrounded by average folk. If you do see me acting average, please be aware that I am so much better at being average than you and everyone else. Actually not only am I more unbelievably brilliant than most average people, I’m more unbelievably brilliant at being average than most people. I could continue saying words but am afraid that my brilliance might overwhelm you. For instance, did you know that inaccurate facts are as trustworthy as factual inaccuracies? Bill Y
Sunday, December 6, 2009
There’s been something bothering us lately at Its good to mock HQ. Our motto is To mock the bejaysus out of everything that moves. Lately we’ve been thinking that there are certain things that don’t actually move and we really should be mocking these too. With that in mind we put our creative hats on and left out the “that moves” bit at the end. We were then left with To mock the bejaysus out of everything. That should of been the end of it but we were aware that we may have caused offence in the past so we put our hats back on and came up with To mock the bejaysus out of everything without offending. I know, it’s real Little House on the Prairie stuff but Laura Ingalls would be impressed. (if you’re not sure who Laura is, do the Google thing) Now that that’s out if the way, we turn to today’s mock.
Have you ever ended up on a blog only to be greeted with the blogger apologising for not having updated the site in a while? You have? Well you wouldn’t be the first and most likely won’t be the last. There is NO (note the capital letters) reason not to update your blog. You could be off doing charity work in a country that has poor internet access. Maybe you were visiting your great great grandmother with the beard who’s on her sickbed. Perhaps you’ve found yourself liking sheep more than the next person. As the big letters of a few sentences ago mention, there is NO excuse not to update your blog. If you’re going to be busy, future date your posts. Build up a number of posts in advance and schedule them to publish at whatever intervals are necessary. If I was to make excuses for not blogging, I would probably go for something like:
- Sorry I haven’t posted for a while. The itch has spread to my man bits and I had to see a specialist.
- Apologies for not updating the blog for the last couple of weeks. You won’t believe what happened. Someone ran off with my fingers. I turned away for one moment and then they were gone. You just can’t trust anyone these days. I’ve had to use my neighbours fingers to type these words.
- I haven’t written a post here since last month because I’ve been busy with the police. I told the them it wasn’t me but just someone that happened to look like me. Then they went on about fingerprints, eye witnesses and lie detector tests. It was kind of hard to convince them after that.
- It’s been 16 days since my last post. I’ve been to Munich, Germany and experienced Oktoberfest. Now I know what a real hangover is all about.
- The sky fell down and it took me ages to put it back up.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
Situated just above my shoulders, my head is surrounded by an ear to the left and an ear to the right. The top is covered by a protein filament that grows through the epidermis from follicles deep within the dermis which is called hair. It is this hair that helps prevent heat loss. The temperature of my head is regulated by the hypothalamus. It is advisable to bring warm clothes in case the hypothalamus decides it doesn’t want to do it’s thing.
The capital city is called Mass Confusion. Although the currency of my head is stuff, the locals been known to trade in insults.
The best way to enjoy a stress free trip is to plan ahead for every eventuality. If you’re planning a visit, please note, you will need vaccinations for sarcasm prior to travelling. Even if you think you are immune to sarcasm, it is highly advisable to contact your GP as a heavy dose of sarcasm totally changes your outlook on daily life.
From Musicians who can’t play musical instruments to Poets who can’t spell, my head has something for everyone. Ryanair have 2 flights daily which fly to other peoples heads. From there, it is only a 25 hour drive to my head. Recent visitors have this to say about their stay:
- “Head? More like Headache!” Grace from Dublin
- “This guys head is so messed up, it made us feel wanted at the beginning and then just ignored us and pretended we didn’t exist.” Girlfriends of Tiger Woods.
- “I had to leave early as the locals wouldn’t stop laughing. Each time one of them said “when you’re a head”, another would say “stay ahead”. That’s not even funny but they were in hysterics, every single time and there were 21, 387 times!” Butcher Boy Bob from Athy, Co. Kildare.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
1) Clichés – Repeat 1000 times ‘Clichés are never ever acceptable’. The one thing you need to remember with mockers is, if you give them an inch they’ll take a mile. You may feel like a fish out of water and want to upset the applecart however patience is a virtue so don’t jump the gun by spouting the obvious. Use your imagination and be creative with your choice of words and pretty soon they’ll know whose kettle of fish their goose is cooked in.
2) Confidence – You may well be shaking inside at the constant attention the mocker pays you but that doesn’t mean you have to advertise it. Facial expressions are great in that they can hide a multitude of sins. If you end up been at the end of a marathon mocking and you just want to curl up in a ball and disappear, don’t sulk like the whole of Ireland after being knocked out of the World Cup by the lying, cheating, dog, aka Thierry Henry. Instead just smile, though your heart is aching, smile, even though it's breaking, when there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by... If you smile, with your fear and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just..light up your face with gladness, hide every trace of sadness, although a tear may be ever so near, that's the time you must keep on trying, smile, what's the use of crying, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, If you just... smile, though your heart is aching, smile, even though it's breaking, when there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by... if you smile, through your fear and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, if you just smile... that's the time you must keep on trying, smile, what's the use of crying, you'll find that life is still worthwhile, If you just smile.
3) Don’t fart farts of fear – This is just asking for trouble and you’ll find you’ve just become a mocking buffet. If this happens, all hope is lost and you may well find that the time in the gym has been well spent as you run Usain Bolt like, to the nearest exit.
4) Don’t soil yourself – For the love of God and the sake of the nasal passage, just don’t go there. If you do end up here, Game Over. Purchase a shovel and head to the nearest cemetery because you’ve just dug your own grave. Have a happy next life. The End. Bill Y
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
- You could use a colour ratings system such as:
- Yellow: General Audiences – This person is mundanely average and boring and will more than likely say words heard in The Wizard of Oz.
- Green: Parental Guidance Suggested – This person is average but may use words such as hell or Bon Jovi which may not be suitable for children.
- Brown: Parents Strongly Cautioned – This person is stable but may have started to understand the value of Mocking.
- Purple: Restricted – This person needs to be watched and is probably a Daniel O’Donnell fan. Proceed slowly and carry a stick, just in case.
- Red: Danger – This person should not be spoken to and is probably as unstable as a table with one and a half legs.
- Really Red – This person is probably a Film Director who will marry his 14 yr old step daughter.