Saturday, April 30, 2011

You’ve got to hand it to the doctor, he sure knows his stuff.

It doesn’t take a genius like me to state that the state of the economy is at the very least bleak. Those who are lucky enough to have a job are not making a lot of money, find it hard to make ends meet and those who don’t have a job, find it harder again. For the lucky few that have two jobs, things are easier. That doctor guy who was in Scrubs is in the same boat as the rest of us and has a second job as a private consultant. Little Dill Y’s friend had a medical issue and went to see if he could help. It turns out that he’s a really good doctor and spotted the problem straight away:


Friday, April 29, 2011

This is the creative genius who invented Mario

I've never 'got' video games. I'm told that the latest games are very lifelike and that killing someone in a game is only second best to killing someone in the so called real world. Strangely enough, this is an experience I can live without. I've a lot of admiration for the technical sills that go into making these games and realise there's a lot of very talented people involved in their production. Having said that, creative genius Shigeru Miyamoto, the Spielberg of video games cats/girls analogy, might not be so brilliant:


Thursday, April 28, 2011

This makes about as much sense as two old bald men fighting over an electric pencil sharpener in a lighthouse during a windstorm.

Sometimes this stuff seems to write itself. If Thirsty Dave sees a pub, off-licence or even a picture of beer, it’s reasonable to assume that he’s going to want a beer. If you or any of your friends attempt to force religion down my throat, it’s reasonable to assume that you’ve lost before you begin. Dave and Rebecca Kosmitis are two people who have a total different handle on reality than Thirsty Dave or I have:

making-sense Bill-Y

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Warren ‘word-lover’ Randall is a uniquely talented individual

Jill Y’s only talent is that she can mimic people. One time she mimicked the sound of me getting sick and I thought I was listening to Bon Jovi. Because I thought I was listening to Bon Jovi, I got sick and a whole vicious circle was born. Sugartastic Daddy John’s talent is in woman management. He manages his women, they get paid, he gets paid and the punters go away with a smile on their face. Warren ‘word-lover’ Randall is a uniquely talented individual. His is an unusual talent in that when he reads a book, he actually takes on an attribute of a character in the book:


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

How to make your 5 year old bitter and twisted

We realise that there’s a certain school of thought out there who might not agree with everything we say and do at It’s good to mock. If we cared what you thought, we might occasionally do things differently but we don’t, so we won’t. We’re a stubborn bunch of mockers and especially so, when it comes to Little Dill Y. The story so far is that he’s a 5 year old budding genius with the IQ of 2 Stephen Hawking’s + 4 Albert Einstein’s. We want him to experience as much as possible at a young age, learn from it and invent an antidote to the so called music of Bon Jovi. It was for this reason that he was engaged to be married to his childhood sweetheart Little Dora Daniels but when the priest asked “If anyone here can show just cause as to why these two may not be joined together, let him speak now - or forever hold his peace I said “Yes, they’re both 5 years of age”. That was that and he was totally heartbroken. All his friends tried to console him with comforting words but we wanted him to experience what it is to be heartbroken so he can become bitter and twisted like only a heartbroken person can be. That’s why we got him a new screensaver:


To be cont…

Monday, April 25, 2011

God hates fags

Little Dill Y is an open minded 5 year old. He goes to a multi - denominational genius school and has been brought up to like or dislike people depending on whether they listen to Bon Jovi or not. He has plenty of friends from different races and religions and we feel this broadens his horizons. When he comes in from school, there’s nothing he likes better than making a poster and going out campaigning about an unjust cause. We’re pleased that he’s developed a social conscience at such a young age but we always have a chat with him just to make sure he fully understands what he’s getting himself into. The other day he was all ready to head out to a march about God hating cigarettes until we sat him down and told him that if God exists, he doesn’t hate cigarettes and that he places equal relevance on cigarettes, cigars and anything else that people smoke:


Sunday, April 24, 2011

Thirsty Dave accepts a new job

Thirsty Dave is a relationship expert and is always open to helping his fellow man when there’s a cash incentive involved. His relationships with beer, wine and spirits are legendary and that’s why he’s always in demand. Recently he was approached by man who has problems finding a girlfriend and the thirsty one was only too happy to accept the job. He asked his new pupil to explain what he had been doing to try and attract a girlfriend. Judging by the response he got, I think he may have his work cut out with this one:


To be cont.…

Saturday, April 23, 2011

That single moment when you realise the truth

Allow us to aploogise in advance because there is nothing funny about this story at all. If you’ve come here looking for amusement, please divert your eyes right now. Little Willy Waldron was like all kids and had dreams, ambitions and aspirations but his vision didn’t end there. One Thursday afternoon, as he ran home from school, he wanted nothing more than a big slice of cake. As he reached his house, his tongue was hanging out like a kid who wants nothing but cake. Little did he know that his dream was just about to be shattered.

His eye’s undressed the contents of the fridge, faster than a speeding penguin from Super Mario Galaxy but however hard he looked, he could find everything in the fridge - everything except cake! The realization then slowly dawned on him that this world is sometimes a cruel, cruel place to live. That moment was a defining moment in the young boys life, a life that would never be the same again:


Friday, April 22, 2011

Funkalicious Fashion for the 9 foot tall fashionista in your family

It was bound to happen sooner or later. Sugartastic Daddy John is a stylish mofo of the highest calibre. When he struts down the street, the Bee Gees suddenly appear and play ‘Staying Alive’ to his every groove. Some say he should be a singer in a 70’s funk band and bring back music where songs are centered around an extended single chord rather than chord progressions. Some say he’s the president of his own mind and believe me, he is. He’s decided to turn his hand to fashion and as usual, The Daddy doesn’t do things without taking it to the max. Check out what the cool kats will be wearing in the not so distant future:


Thursday, April 21, 2011

The O Game and Clever Math's

If I had a cent for every bad band in the world, I would have a grand total of one cent. That’s because there is only one bad band in the world. If you like, you can discover who this band is by playing the ‘O’ game. It’s simple to play. I’m going to show you two words and you have to fill in the blanks with the letter ‘O’. Ready:

B _ N   J _ V I

Well done boys and girls, you’re all so clever but not as clever as Math's:


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Wed April 20th - 7:15 pm –7:18pm

As she mocks her way through life like Epimetheus, the God of afterthought and father of excuses, it never once occurs to her that she’s wrong. This is the way of the arrogant woman and an arrogant woman she is but enough about Jill Y for the moment. Allow me to sketch out the events of Wednesday evening between the minutes of 7:15 pm and 7:18 pm:

Wed April 2oth – 7:15 pm

Bill Y gets a call from Sugartastic Daddy John. He was irritated and agitated and what he was saying was incoherent and not making much sense at all. This in itself was nothing new but there was an urgent panic in his voice which suggested that he was massively bothered about something. He mentioned something about being able to hear his 46th wife’s voice but that he couldn’t see her. Then the line went dead.

Wed April 2oth – 7:16 pm

Bill Y gets a call from Sugartastic Daddy John. He sounded even more irritated and agitated than before and was making even less sense. He asked if he was going mad and I told him that he was as mad as he’s ever going to get and that Jill Y was on the other line to his 46th wife who was at home with him at that very moment. He said he still couldn’t see her but he could hear her voice. The line went dead.

Wed April 2oth – 7:17 pm

Bill Y gets a call from Sugartastic Daddy John. He asked if he was the subject of some elaborate mock and I guaranteed him that he wasn’t. I told him that his 46th wife was in the house with him asked if he had been smoking any of that stuff that Chilled Out Charlie brought back from his visit to his brothers, sister and he said he hadn’t. I asked him to take some pictures of the room and email them to me.

Wed April 20h – 7:18 pm

Bill Y gets the email with the pictures from Sugartastic Daddy John. It was then obvious what had happened. His 46th wife had only gone out and bought matching clothes and furniture that blended in so much that The Daddy couldn’t actually distinguish wife from furniture:  


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Yoda T

Every sometimes, we like to share something with the world that’s only known by a handful of people. The only reason we know so much is that we have a time machine and travel back and forth in time, quite regularly. There’s a lot we can’t speak of because it hasn’t happened yet but let’s just say that in the near future, it will rain and then it will stop. Our favourite film hasn’t been made yet but our second favourite film is Star Wars. We were lucky enough to see a version of the film that wasn’t released and Yoda T was brilliant in it:


Monday, April 18, 2011

Argument No. 348

I remember argument no. 348 vividly. It was time to tell Little Dill Y about the birds and the bees or as I like to call it 'reproduction'. Jill Y and I had very different ideas on how to enlighten the little genius. I told him that Uncle Thirsty Dave is a unique individual and that Mr. & Mrs. Thirsty Dave were deeply in love, had a quiet night in with 78 bottles of wine and that’s how his favourite uncle was born. I then told him that Bon Jovi fans are born on conveyor belts:


As usual, I never get my own way and his Mother thought it would be best if Aunt Sarah Palin gave him a different view on the whole procreation deal, a la Christian style:


Sunday, April 17, 2011

Face Value

The first time you meet Sugartastic Daddy John, you’re under no illusion as to the type of individual you’re dealing with. Maybe it’s because he’s 8 ft tall with the funkiest, far-out ‘fro or maybe it’s those salacious, silky suits he wears with such suave style but the first time you set eyes on The Daddy, you know he’s the man to set you up with a companion for the evening. The first time you meet Scurvy Jane, you’re under no illusion as to the type of individual you’re dealing with. Maybe it’s the jaundice complexion or maybe it’s the spongy gums. The give away signs may be the litres of orange juice that she always carries with her or maybe it’s her name ‘Scurvy Jane’ that tells you that she makes a living, giving talks to school children on the outcome of a deficiency of vitamin C. The first time you meet Helen Wolff, you might be forgiven for not knowing that she’s an erotic boutique owner:


Saturday, April 16, 2011

When you need a helping hand, go and see Sugartastic Daddy John

There isn't a day that goes by that Sugartastic Daddy John doesn't try to help someone out. When Scurvy Jane wanted a loan of some money to buy 10,000 liters of orange juice, she went to see Sugartastic who gave her the money on the spot. When Thirsty Dave was barred from his local, he went to see Sugartastic who used his considerable influence in the underworld, to get him unbarred. When Jill Y's dog lost a small fortune in the property boom, she came to me but I didn't care so I told her to go to see Sugartastic to see if he could help. The Daddy again came up with a solution. He fashioned a saddle of sorts, to take the pups to school and save money on public transport:


Friday, April 15, 2011

Revenge is a sweet little response to an ad in a local shop window

Little Dill Y came in from genius school the other day and was clearly distressed. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that Caroline, one of the girls in his genius class, attempted to convince him that god exists. I told him that that was nonsense and that god is as real as Robin Hood, Maths and the talent of Bon Jovi. I then told him that god doesn’t exist and that he can make his own mind up and agree with me any time he wanted to. We talked for a while and formulated a plan of retribution. Caroline recently lost her iPod Touch and put an ad in the local shop window, offering a reward for it’s return. At this stage, revenge was pretty obvious to me but I was delighted when he figured out how to get back at her, all by himself:


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Attack of the me

No two people are the same. Even monozygotic (identical) twins, who develop from a single egg cell, have infrequent genetic differences due to mutations occurring during development. As a rule, this is a good thing but I was hoping to create a clone army of myself with the same Bon Jovi hating tendencies and finally remove the sad, pathetic excuse for a band, from the realm of consciousness. For the moment, that plan may have to be put on hold. One of the best things about no two people being the same, is that everyone is different, with different likes and dislikes. I might like to watch paint dry while you might like The Complete works of Aristotle – Vol1. Google Australia likes completely different things to both you and I:

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Heart shaped contents of a box?

Every twice in a decade, I decide to be romantic and do something out of the goodness of my ice cold heart. Although I’m a highly creative and imaginative individual, I know as much about being romantic as I do about The Arbitration Act of 1888. I have no problem pretending what I’m talking about in most situations but this whole romantic thing makes as much sense to me as Maths or religion. After hours of thinking, I came to the conclusion that we both like food and we both like pizza. This thought led to my next thought and I thought I would set the mood for a romantic night in by ordering a romantic heart shaped pizza but as Robbie Burns never said “sometimes the best laid plans of mice and mockers often go awry”


Tuesday, April 12, 2011


At It’s good to mock, we can’t help knowing stuff and don’t apologise for it. We were bored last night so we jumped into the time machine and headed to the future. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the future looks pretty bleak. Bon Jovi release more of the same bland, mundane music and Nuns become as popular as CCTV. Believe it or not, math's becomes even more impossible to understand and world leaders are replaced by cats. There are probably one or two people out there who don’t believe what I’m saying. To those people, I say, remember the iPredictions we made back in 2007 and tell me how wrong we were then:



Monday, April 11, 2011

When the music’s over, I sometimes fall asleep

When the magic happens, the magic happens and it's a beautiful thing. Despite disagreeing with each other over the little things like global warming or the big things like Pepsi and Coca-Cola, it all makes sense under the covers where lust takes over. The event takes anything from 2 minutes to 9 hours and during that time, I forget that she's a total lunatic. Last night was a particularly energetic workout and when I looked back over the footage this morning, I realised that we broke a new record of 10 and a half hours. I don't remember much about the end of it because that’s when I fell asleep. This had the effect of causing argument no. 879 and then she was back in ultra psycho mode, yet again. I really don't see what the problem is. A man can only do what a man can do but she somehow sees it as a reflection of how I feel about her rather than the sheer physical exhaustion of making the earth move. I told her that after working up a sweet sweat like that, a man will sometimes fall asleep. In fact I went one step further and tried to convince her that it's not only people who have this problem:


Sunday, April 10, 2011

Thirsty Dave lets his heart rule his head

For some time now, Thirsty Dave has been wondering if he should come clean with his girlfriend and tell her that he has feelings for someone else. They've always been honest with each other and the only time he even told a half truth was when she asked if her bum looked big in that red dress she wears. Their relationship has always been built on trust and a deep rooted hatred of Bon Jovi. He has two choices. He can continue to have those secret feelings and let it eat him up inside or he can tell her the truth and take the armageddon like consequences that go with it. He knows it will break her heart but he’s going to bite the bullet and tell her. Things are never going to be the same again but at least he’ll be able to live with himself. I think the fan is going to be hit with fecal matter when she realises who the other woman is:


Saturday, April 9, 2011

The numbers don’t add up

The big questions in life, continue to elude me: How do magnets work? At what precise moment did Chuck Norris become a legend? and Nuns? I'm not a complete and total loser. I know what shapes hula hoops are, how many zeros are in a squillion and that tectonic plates are composed of two types of lithosphere. People who know things tell me that it's important to grow as a person and to learn new things and I'm a big fan of reading stuff, especially milk cartons, cereal boxes and palms. There are lots of things in this life which massively confuse me but nothing causes me to lose sleep, the way maths does:


Friday, April 8, 2011

Unsavoury acquaintances of Sugartastic Daddy John–Pt.1

Sugartastic Daddy John knows a lot of people. Some are cool, some are Bon Jovi fans. Due to the many diversifications of his many businesses, he sometimes has to deal with some unusually talented individuals. He was telling us about one gentleman who acquires Mazda 323’s without money passing hands. Apparently he steals the car and then escapes by turning himself into a goat, using black magic. We all thought it was very funny until he produced a newspaper clipping, confirming it to be massively true:


Thursday, April 7, 2011

The training of Dan “The Action Man” Donnelly

This is going to be hard to explain. For reasons of national security, I can't go into too much detail but you should get the picture. Thirsty Dave knows a guy called Seamus The Despicable. Seamus The Despicable has a soft spot for Scurvy Jane. Scurvy Jane went to school with me. I like fish. I go fishing with Sugartastic Daddy John's 48th wives neighbour, Dan “The Action Man” Donnelly. The Action Man landed his dream job with the army. I can't tell you what his job actually involves but he was telling us that his Sergeant Major is an animal: 


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

A Cautionary Tale

One day a talented but down on his luck musician discovered a magic lamp and rubbed it. A genie appeared and as you can imagine, granted him 3 wishes. The talented but down on his luck musician immediately wished that his band could write and record a double album and release it to critical acclaim. As he was a talented musician, he wrote a double album of songs with imaginative titles such as 'I didn't know how brilliant I was until you filmed my life story and it won an Oscar',  'Hula hoops – discuss?' and 'you don't bring me disillusionment any more but you do bring me to my senses'. The album was critically acclaimed so for his second wish, he wished to play in huge stadiums around the world. For the next two years, the band played their critically acclaimed double album in huge stadiums throughout the world and became well know as a great live band with critically acclaimed songs. For his third wish, he wished the band could become Bon Jovi. No sooner had they become Bon Jovi, than the musician began to feel empty inside. This was because Bon Jovi release music with no artistic relevance and the musician placed a great deal of importance on producing music with relevance. The rest of the band began playing bland, trivial music with massively obvious song structures and song titles such as 'bed of roses', 'last cigarette' and 'back door Santa'. The musician and the band were forever miserable, locked in a talentless band full of despair and misery.  The moral of the story is - be careful what you wish for or you could become Bon Jovi.

Someone else who should of been careful what she wished for, is Jill Y's mother or should I say father:



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