Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
It’s inevitable that we will not get on well with everyone we come in contact with. This is a good thing as things would became boring if we did. That said, I like to think I’m a relaxed person who opens his mouth and delivers a sometimes funny, sometimes interesting river of words. When this happens, I usually get a variety of positive, interesting reactions. With this in mind, how come (refer to Post Title)
Tack, tack, tack.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
The guy with the large head to the right of the page is there for a reason. Actually, he’s not! I had no idea what to write about so I was going to write something about him keeping an eye on the blog. It wouldn’t be too difficult to do. He’s always there at the side of the page and as long as I’ve known him, he just lurks there, hands in pockets and attentively watches. I’m usually good at giving nicknames but for some reason I can’t think of what to call him and that’s where you come in. I need suggestions people. Click on the ‘comments’ link at the end of this post and suggest a nickname. I’m not a rich man so there is no financial reward involved however I can reward you with a tailor made insult. Armed with this insult, you can go forward and further insult a person or persons of choice. The insult will not be a standard run of the mill insult for that is not the way I operate. The insult will be a unique, treasured piece of art. Something you can hand down to your children and them to their children. Alternatively you could bypass giving it to your children and give it straight to your grandchildren. So I need a nickname and the reason why you chose it. Good luck and may your imagination run riot.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I like coffee. I like the taste and I like it a lot. Other things I like include, laughing at myself, laughing at other people, listening to myself, listening to other people, listening to music and being part of a band. I tend to speak before I have a fully fledged thought and very often a stream of unconnected words will flow from my mouth. Watching peoples reactions to this, is another thing I like. When I drink a lot of coffee, the unconnected words flow faster and at a greater frequency. To those who know me, I offer these words by way of an explanation. To those who don’t know me, I offer these words by way of an introduction.
Monday, July 20, 2009
When we're drunk we sometimes pretty much feel the same way.
I can't remember how or why I ended up at a venue frequented by pensioners but it was a Sunday night and I had consumed an abundance of alcohol. I was with a guitarist friend and it was hard to know who was making less sense. More than likely, it was me. The entertainment that night consisted of a 250 year old waistcoated man strumming an out of tune guitar, accompanied by his own out of tune vocals. The assembled audience were loving his rendition of Dickie Rock songs. As the night moved on, so did our tolerance and more and more 250 year old folk who knew each other, began to fill the place up. So much so that we were politely asked to move to another seat. This didn't bother us at all as we'd arranged to have one more beer and then said we would move on somewhere a bit more alive. We had an acoustic guitar with us and the Dickie singer noticed it as we were changing seats. Like any good comedian who always has a one liner ready for any occasion, the Dickie singer let out a roar over the microphone 'There's the lads who'll be coming up to sing a song in a moment, how are ye lads?'.I usually come alive when I have an audience but we were fairly drunk and this coupled with the fact that neither of us could sing didn't help. And of course we had nothing rehearsed. All of a sudden we heard over the microphone 'Let's hear it for the lads', a demonstration of approval by clapping of hands and then we were on the stage. Those who know me, know I'm very rarely stuck for words but this was one of those rare times where the cat got my tongue and refused to give it back. All of a sudden I realised that my friend had his guitar to strum on stage which meant I was going to have to sing something. I whispered to my mate 'Is that the sound of your footsteps going to the bar?'. His response was to start playing some chords. He was starting to enjoy it, 'cause he knew I was up the 250 year old creek without a prop. I was terrified so I took to the microphone and told the audience that we were called The Geriatrics and we were gonna need their help with the chorus of this song. I explained that when I gave them the nod, they were to scream the words I'm Scared Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' I got them to practice it a few times and they were clapping their hands, smiling gleefully with not a bother in the world. When this was going on I had heard the chord sequence a few times which at least gave me something to work with. I had a quick word with the guitarist and told him to just keep on playing those chords over and over again. I began to sing words, praising Dickie Rock for his contribution to the music industry! The old folks had no idea what I was on about, but when I said the word 'Dickie Rock' they seemed to react positively. I decided it was time for the chorus, gave them the nod and heard 'I'm Scared Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh' followed by lots of giggling and laughter. They were lapping it up. From then on, it was child's play so we just repeated the same thing three more times and left the stage to rapturous applause. My opinion of those 250 year olds really changed. They were out to enjoy themselves and enjoy themselves they did. Nothing eventful happened after that but that was the night I learned to think on my feet and I've been pretty much making it up as I go along, since then.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
April - not her real name but a name none the less, looked great and was in great form too.
Her best friend in the world was getting married that day and I'd managed to borrow a hi-spec digital camera for the event. April was delighted as her camera was old and sick and not working very well at all. I took lots of pictures of the bride and groom as they left the church and we went and had our meal. It was one of those days where everyting fell into place and I didn't even offend anyone with the usual nonsense that comes out of my mouth. As the evening progressed, we had a few drinks and got into the party spirit. I took some pictures of April on the dancefloor and proceded to show off my handywork to her mum who commented that her daughter looked really well. I went over to April to show her the pictures of her funky dance routine and she got a good laugh out of it. She asked if she could see one particular picture from earlier that day and I opened the memory card to look for it. It became clear fairly quickly that I had deleted all of the pictures from earlier that day and April's facial expression changed from that of an sweet angel to one of a demented demon. I've seen Rage Against the Machine play live yet I haver never heard such a loud monotonus stream of abuse come from a solitary person. I remember wondering if she could be heard on multiple continents and if so was she scaring the bejayus out of other nationalities in the same way she was causing half of Ballyfermots eardrums to bleed. I knew there was no possiblity of horns protruding from her head but for one brief moment I witnessed a level of hatred which could have leapt straight out of the pages of Mein Kampf. As you can imagine, I went home alone that night after apologising for nearly 4 hours. The fledgling relationship faded out shortly after and I had no complaints at all. Granted, I had messed up with the pictures but the punishment surely didn't fit the crime. If this was the consequences of the camera fiasco, can you imagine my fate if a condom had burst and she became pregnant! A lucky escape, methinks!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Hello and stuff. There are some folk out there who are scared to Mock. I am most definitely not one of those folk. I find Mocking to be one of the great pleasures in life. I’ve made some good friends from taking the exaggerated piss out of people, however there is a downside. According to research which I have no knowledge of – ‘first impressions last’. It’s probably not massively wise to mock someone when meeting them for the first time but if you don’t have a good enough sense of humour to at least laugh at someone who is laughing at you, then you should open a freezer and chill.
Ego bruising mood
I was auditioning as a bassist for a well known band. In the corridor of the venue, there were a lot of familiar faces. Though there are a lot of musicians in Dublin, you tend to meet the same people again and again. Thinking back now, I didn’t even want the gig but someone had told me that this particular band had some serious ego issues and I was in ego bruising mood that morning. The sight of 100+ bass players in a room surely has some merit for a sit com but After 4 hours of watching and listening to these people play the same tune over and over, I had a headache that no woman could soothe. Eventually I got into the room with the band who looked at me as if I had forgotten something. I had forgotten something – a bass guitar! I shook hands with the band members and told them I had left the bass in to be fixed and it wasn’t ready yet for collection. They had a bass in the room and the grinning drummer handed me the instrument. I should point out that I’m fairly self assured and confident when playing bass, but I was cultivating an imbecile like image in that room and it was working a treat. I was asked if I’d learned any of the bands songs to which I responded by taking out some sheet music form my back pocket. I asked them which Kylie song they wanted to play. The singer thought I was having a laugh so I showed him the various Kylie songs I had brought with me. To say he looked massively confused would be as understated as the 2005 weather in New Orleans! I let them know that if they wanted to play a different Kylie song, that I could watch the guitarist and learn the song pretty fast. It was then that the question came, ‘Why would we want to play a Kylie song?’. I told them that I thought their songs had the same formulaic structure of every Kylie song I had heard. The singer thought I was joking until I pointed out ‘Cant get you outta my head‘ sounded like the last four songs on their last album. If you’re ever going to try this, the trick is to keep a straight face when your natural instinct is to laugh uncontrollably. It was time to leave as the once smiling band members began to take on fairly aggressive facial expressions and stances. I told the guys I had to go as I was meeting up with a singer/songwriter who thought she was Kate Bush!