Thursday, October 22, 2009
I am Evil and you’re a B’stard - Prepare to learn
What up suckers? You’re all a pack of slaves to the good in the world which makes you losers in my book. If you’re not evil, you’re not cool and that’s just the way it is. How many of you sad pathetic fools can claim to have done something evil in the last 24 hours? Eh, don’t all answer at once now, you bunch of tossers. I don’t know how you can sleep at night without being as evil as possible. Even watching you be nice to each other makes my stomach turn. My evil parents brought me up to be evil and if you morons pay attention, you might just learn something.
Evil Rule No. 1 – Always be ready to walk all over your friends. You’ll know if you’re doing it properly ‘cause you’ll feel as guilty as hell and that’s such a good feeling.
Evil Rule No.2 – Borrow money from your family and friends but rather than give it back, use the money to get t-shirts printed with ‘I am Evil and you’re a B’stard who’s not getting your money back’ on them.
Evil Rule No.3 – Golden Rule – Look around the house for any jewellery that might be valuable and pawn it. If you find wedding rings, you’re on the right track. If you find jewellery that may not be valuable but could have sentimental value, take it. You may not get any money for it but you’ll cause someone a lot of misery and grief and misery and grief are truly great things.
Evil Rule No.4 – These days, it’s not just good enough just to be evil, you have to have an evil image. If you think we all wear an eye patch, sit in an evil chair and stroke a fluffy white cat, your damn right. PS: If you’re in the market for any of the above evil items, let me know at firstname.lastname@example.org
Evil Rule No. 5 – Golden Rule – Use blackmail as much as possible. Blackmail is cool. Why do you think your man lets me write on this excuse for a blog?
Evil Rule No.6 – There’s no point in looking evil if you don’t sound evil. An evil laugh is so important. You’ll need to practice your laugh. Try "MUAHAHAHAHA!" at the top of your lungs. The deeper the sound is, the more evil it will sound.
Evil Rule No.7 – Create your own evil rules.
I could spend more time trying to educate you muppets on how to be evil but I doubt if any of you have what it takes. If you believe you can follow the dark path, get in touch. If not, you can go to hell for I care. "MUAHAHAHAHA!" Evil Bill Y